I think that one of my favourite songs of all time is the Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkle. I grew up listening to it as my mum’s quite a big S&G fan. It puzzled me when I was younger, because I couldn’t understand that silence might have a sound but I loved the lyrics none the less. Now that I’m older I love it for its bitter sweetness. I haven’t thought about the song in a while but now, with my own silence crying within me, I couldn’t help but return to the place the song created in my mind for me when I was younger.
A week ago I heard that a job I had really been bargaining on had turned me down. More to the point, the guy had downright lied to me, saying that they’ve decided not to hire anybody when I knew from another source that they were still looking for someone. It was a very hard blow and I’m only now starting to realize how hard it had been. In one moment I realized and felt that I’ll most probably be stuck in my jobless limbo for the next couple of weeks, waitressing to keep myself afloat financially. Although I love the people that I work with, I’ve come to hate the job. I hate playing the meek and mild waitress; I hate being humiliated by people. I hate being flirted with, I hate allowing more people than I’m comfortable with into my own personal space. It had been a strange realization when I lay there on my back a week ago, staring at the ceiling knowing that there was no answers, no escape for me. The realization has made me grow quiet inside myself. Like a hollow chamber, an empty room or an empty bucket. Devoid of anything useless.
Today, I have to once again start to set in motion a couple of events that might lead me to get a job. Emails. Phone calls. Job applications. The thing was that I’m so tired of being disappointed, I’m not sure I want to start. But, I will. I have to. If I want to stop being a waitress I have to carry on and pick myself up further.
Getting a job would mean no more double shifts. I’m doing my third one this week.
So, sigh wish me luck. J
Those who support me, thank you. It means a lot and I have to say, you guys carry me onwards.