The Changing Season.

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Two, three weeks by my count and it feels like a life time. Our seasons are changing here, slowly, subtly. The wind carries a bite of cold, the night a chill. The few foreign trees that change colour has begun to dress themselves in their patches of brown and the migrating birds gather, waiting for that hidden signal that we never comprehend that tells them to move on. I have watched them from my window these past few days, seen them in my parents’ garden and I have felt a kinship with them that I have not felt before.

You see, like the birds, I have been waiting. Waiting for change, waiting for a signal. Waiting for a miracle.

Now the call has come for me to move, to step out of waiting yet instead of settling me here as I had hoped, I feel that it draws me further away from this place I had longed to call home. You see, I’m done. I am done waiting. Waiting for a job, waiting for change, waiting on people. It has dawned on me that I will be here forever if I do not move on, and like the birds who chose to stay behind, I will wither and die in a climate that’s not suited for me. I have tried, and I have failed and now – now it’s time to move on, past this limbo that’s called my bluff.

After almost a year of trying to find a job in my country, I’ve realized that it’s time for me to try and seek greener pastures in the rest of the world. Like so many people my age, I am going to move on, or at least try to, to a place where I might possibly have a chance to have a life and a future free of fear and prejudice and idiots that govern countries at the people’s expense. Recent events in my country have made it painfully clear to all of us that, although slower, we are moving towards becoming a second Zimbabwe. I will not elaborate further on this, for I do not want to discuss politics or racial prejudice here, but I’ll only say that it’s dawned on me that Lord Havelock Vetinari – a fictional character from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series – had it right when he said: If it’s not broken, don’t fix it, yet if it’s broken and it can’t be fixed, get rid of it…

I’ve come to realize that my country, this Africa of the South, cannot be fixed. It does not work, it never will. Africa is Africa and it will never change.

But, more than this though, I have come to realize that my life’s broken as well. That I am not happy and if it had not been for my Other Half and my horse keeping me together, I’d have fallen and failed many months ago. When I came back from England, I had said to my friends there that I fear becoming ordinary, living an ordinary life. It was a hard blow now when I realized that my life has moved beyond ordinary to being… Being… Nothing. A shadow of what it could be, making me a wraith. The only two things that have real meaning to me is my relationship with my partner and my horse. It’s the only things I can be proud of for I can’t even be proud of myself for I have accomplished nothing.

So, I want to try and change that. Or, just change.

And, try and find work in either Canada, Australia or maybe even the US.

If my country doesn’t want me, I’ll try and find one who does.

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8 thoughts on “The Changing Season.

  1. Phil April 14, 2010 / 11:46 pm

    You are far from being ordinary Alyss. You are talented, creative, caring and strong. Those of us who have come to know you from this site and other sites believe in you and we know you will find a more fulfilling life wherever you choose to live. You know that I have been reading your blog since even before nastyromo and I love your writing, your fanfic and your stories. So all the best to you my friend.

    • Alyssa April 14, 2010 / 11:56 pm

      Thank you Phil. 🙂 You’ve been a great friend you know that? I appreciate everything. 😉 Race you back to the NaSty site… *yells “TAG YOUR IT!” and dashes off…*

  2. Marsha April 16, 2010 / 12:14 am

    Oh Alyssa you make me want to cry for you. I wish I had a way of getting you and the other half and maybe even the horse over here. I was looking for some jobs in your field in our Government, but you must be a citizen. I will keep looking in the private sector, perhaps at a univeristy? Jobs are hard to find here as well, but I will try for you. This seals it you are definitely going to get a lucky charms something, bracelet, necklace, something!

    • Alyssa April 19, 2010 / 7:36 pm

      🙂 Thank you Marsha, you are a good friend. As are all of you, lol.
      🙂 Hugz friend.
      luckily i can say now that I’ve gotten over myself again. Really, I shouldnt’ write when I’m depressed.

  3. Fyrefly April 16, 2010 / 6:23 am

    Hi Alyssa, I kinda wish I had somthing better to comment, somthing helpful or whatever but I really hope you find somthing and that things get better. Any place you decide to go would totally be lucky to have you in it.

    • Alyssa April 19, 2010 / 7:37 pm

      thanks hun, and thank you for still coming back for a read! 🙂

  4. Tiffany April 27, 2010 / 10:44 pm

    Hey Alyss,
    I’d been kind of absent, going through some similar feelings based on some different and strikingly similar stuff. I second everything Phil and Marsha have said – you’re a really creative, fun, and outgoing person. I wish I had some great life advice for you…but that’s where we’re in a strikingly similar boat. I spend my life and my energy at a job that holds no interest or meaning to me. In my case, it pays the bills fine, but that just makes it so much easier to stay rather than to work hard to achieve something that would make me happy.

    • Alyssa May 1, 2010 / 5:25 pm

      It’s a strange trade off. You see, one the one hand, there’s inner happiness. On the other hand, there’s financial happiness. I don’t know what i’m going to do honestly. I’m still working on all my options.

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