Things I never said.

So, I’ve been holding out on you. Keeping bits to myself, keeping it safe, keeping it from coming a reality so that it may realize.

A month ago, I received an email from a company I had sent my CV to months ago. They are a big company here, right in my field and the job would be doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was a difficult week that, filled with personal drama’s that I am not yet willing to share. Wednesday the 5th of May, my mum and I drove the 150 miles (give or take) to a town outside of my own to attend an interview there. I wrote a bunch of tests, were quizzed and questioned until I felt as if every word they spoke to me were holes that they tore out of me. I drove back, shell shocked and ever, ever hopeful that this might be the one, that this might be the job that I’ve been made to wait for. A week passed and I heard nothing. I went to a ‘meet and greet’ with another company who didn’t have a job for me, but who wanted to meet me regardless. This too was in my field, and just round the corner from where I lived. Things started looking up as a school contacted me as well. You know of this, I mentioned it.

The science teacher post.

The school said in as many words that if I wanted to job that I could have it, but I played open cards with them and said that I’m waiting for this job to come through. Still, I heard nothing and just when I was about to give up hope and accept the teacher’s post, the company came back to me, telling me that I was through to the next round and had to come and see another company manager, this time a little bit closer to my home. The hope that I had been sheltering, fighting to keep down, erupted and I started madly preparing myself for the interview, dragging out all my old university notes and books to touch up on a subject I had not thought about in two years. What I thought would be the final day of the interview arrived, the 21st of May, and I went into it, as prepared and nervous as I’d ever be, thinking that finally, things might start looking up. When I got there though, I was grossly disappointed because it was for all intense purposes just a ‘meet and greet’. I was still on the short list, but the FINAL interview would only be the 4th of June.


So, again I waited. The school let me know that they could not wait for me, that they had found another candidate. I didn’t begrudge them that, I had know that it would happen and that I was playing a dangerous waiting game.
I had heard too late from the company’s HR what time my interview would be, and already had to put in my shifts for the week. I had asked my restaurant to give me an ‘easier’ section which would allow me to go home earlier but they had refrained from doing so and gave me a booking which saw me coming home at 1:15am. My interview was scheduled for 8:15am and I still had to wash my hair to get the smoke smell out. Needless to say, I had not slept a lot last night but, tired or not, I dragged myself to the interview. The hope had been placed by a fierce desire to know and to get it all over with. For good or bad, I cannot stand waiting any longer.

But, again. Delay. Although I have now met the boss of all bosses, the man who would make the decision as to my future, he could not tell me when I would be hired but reassured me that he would let me know my Friday next week.

More waiting. And I am so tired of it.

So this is what I’ve been brooding on my Nasties and fellow readers alike. This is what I’ve been studying for, what I’ve attended workshops for and what I’ve turned down at least one job for. I had not wanted to speak about it up until now, when everything that I could’ve done has been taken from my hands and put into those of choice and fate. I am reading a book that has already been written, but the problem with this is that I cannot skip towards the end to see what the outcome would be before I reach it. This is why I could not ‘make up my mind’ so to speak as to the other job. And, I’m aware of the fact that it might all have been for nothing. That I might still be here a week from now. Stuck in this position of not knowing.

To put it mildly, I am tired. I am very very tired. I’m tired of waiting, of hoping. And of constant rejection.

But, I will wait. And I will hope. Because that is what I do, what I have done, and what I will do, for however long it takes.