Things I never said.

So, I’ve been holding out on you. Keeping bits to myself, keeping it safe, keeping it from coming a reality so that it may realize.

A month ago, I received an email from a company I had sent my CV to months ago. They are a big company here, right in my field and the job would be doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was a difficult week that, filled with personal drama’s that I am not yet willing to share. Wednesday the 5th of May, my mum and I drove the 150 miles (give or take) to a town outside of my own to attend an interview there. I wrote a bunch of tests, were quizzed and questioned until I felt as if every word they spoke to me were holes that they tore out of me. I drove back, shell shocked and ever, ever hopeful that this might be the one, that this might be the job that I’ve been made to wait for. A week passed and I heard nothing. I went to a ‘meet and greet’ with another company who didn’t have a job for me, but who wanted to meet me regardless. This too was in my field, and just round the corner from where I lived. Things started looking up as a school contacted me as well. You know of this, I mentioned it.

The science teacher post.

The school said in as many words that if I wanted to job that I could have it, but I played open cards with them and said that I’m waiting for this job to come through. Still, I heard nothing and just when I was about to give up hope and accept the teacher’s post, the company came back to me, telling me that I was through to the next round and had to come and see another company manager, this time a little bit closer to my home. The hope that I had been sheltering, fighting to keep down, erupted and I started madly preparing myself for the interview, dragging out all my old university notes and books to touch up on a subject I had not thought about in two years. What I thought would be the final day of the interview arrived, the 21st of May, and I went into it, as prepared and nervous as I’d ever be, thinking that finally, things might start looking up. When I got there though, I was grossly disappointed because it was for all intense purposes just a ‘meet and greet’. I was still on the short list, but the FINAL interview would only be the 4th of June.


So, again I waited. The school let me know that they could not wait for me, that they had found another candidate. I didn’t begrudge them that, I had know that it would happen and that I was playing a dangerous waiting game.
I had heard too late from the company’s HR what time my interview would be, and already had to put in my shifts for the week. I had asked my restaurant to give me an ‘easier’ section which would allow me to go home earlier but they had refrained from doing so and gave me a booking which saw me coming home at 1:15am. My interview was scheduled for 8:15am and I still had to wash my hair to get the smoke smell out. Needless to say, I had not slept a lot last night but, tired or not, I dragged myself to the interview. The hope had been placed by a fierce desire to know and to get it all over with. For good or bad, I cannot stand waiting any longer.

But, again. Delay. Although I have now met the boss of all bosses, the man who would make the decision as to my future, he could not tell me when I would be hired but reassured me that he would let me know my Friday next week.

More waiting. And I am so tired of it.

So this is what I’ve been brooding on my Nasties and fellow readers alike. This is what I’ve been studying for, what I’ve attended workshops for and what I’ve turned down at least one job for. I had not wanted to speak about it up until now, when everything that I could’ve done has been taken from my hands and put into those of choice and fate. I am reading a book that has already been written, but the problem with this is that I cannot skip towards the end to see what the outcome would be before I reach it. This is why I could not ‘make up my mind’ so to speak as to the other job. And, I’m aware of the fact that it might all have been for nothing. That I might still be here a week from now. Stuck in this position of not knowing.

To put it mildly, I am tired. I am very very tired. I’m tired of waiting, of hoping. And of constant rejection.

But, I will wait. And I will hope. Because that is what I do, what I have done, and what I will do, for however long it takes.


16 thoughts on “Things I never said.

  1. Phil June 4, 2010 / 4:40 pm

    I love that through all these ordeals you remain basically optimistic and hopeful. I’ve been through some ups and downs career-wise and of course it’s unnerving, but all we can do is keep going, trying, and hope it will all work out.

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:33 am

      Optimism is a chronic disease… It keeps coming back, lol.

  2. Jenn June 4, 2010 / 5:00 pm

    I’m so glad that final interview is over for you. I don’t miss that part at all. I’m keeping my fingers & toes crossed for you (although let me tell you it’s making it hard to type this)!
    Keep trying to be positive about it. The wait is almost over. Go riding, that will cheer you up!

  3. Marsha June 4, 2010 / 6:20 pm

    Qw, hon. If good wishes will help you know all all of your NaSty friends are sending them your way. Surely all the stess and rejection will amount to something good…you keep that good luck bracelet on.

    • Marsha June 4, 2010 / 6:21 pm

      Crap! I can spell but not type! Thawas supposed to be agentle Aww, for you, not Qw.

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:32 am

      It’s never far, thank you again Marsha, I really appreciated it!

  4. Antonio June 4, 2010 / 8:23 pm

    Good luck, my friend. On waiting…I could toss platitudes around about faith, patience, destiny, fate…but, really! who wants to hear that! Let’s just say–You deserve this and the sooner the better. 😉

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:32 am

      Thank you Antonio. 🙂 I don’t deserve much, lol, but i do NEED it. Tomorrow is D-day.

  5. mudepoz June 4, 2010 / 9:46 pm

    You just wrote a microcosm of life.
    It’s times like these that cause such aphorisms as “When a door closes a window opens.” It may not, but “Hope Springs Eternal”

    Scant comfort to know we’ve all been through the grist mill.

    Yesterday I lost a friend. He went into the hospital with bronchitis, a day later came up with septicemia, went into a coma, and his poor wife, who has one of my puppies had to make the decision and pull the plug. He hung on until he was in the hospice where he died with Lacey, the dog, laying next to him.

    Live life, no matter what the curves, because you just never know.

    • Jenn June 4, 2010 / 10:17 pm

      Mud, I’m so sorry about your friend. Sending you peaceful thoughts in the hope that they may help.

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:31 am

      Hugz Mud, I’m sorry about your friend, as I said in the email, I hope you can find the space to grief.

  6. Tiffany June 6, 2010 / 6:47 am

    Alyss! Don’t tell me you’re an ending peeker!

    Don’t be fooled – if you met the boss of bosses, then it was totally an interview. Even if there weren’t official questions. I think you’re making the right move! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you – not that you’ll need it. 😉

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:28 am

      I am. I LOVE it, I can’t read a book without peeking at the end first. lol. I can’t deal with the suspense, so I don’t!

  7. suziwong June 8, 2010 / 1:09 pm

    waiting with you, holding my breath, keeping the fingers crossed…

    • Alyssa June 10, 2010 / 11:27 am

      thanks you. 😉

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