With 2013 being a bit of a blur and haze, with nothing happening in my mind but background noise and the maniac edge of survival, I thought to enter 2015 with the thoughts of 2014. Several months (years) have passed since my last blog post and the reasons for this are painfully simple.
I struggled. It’s been a tough few years.
To reflect on a year that doesn’t really exist in my memory, 2013 was simply about getting to the next one. Life moved from the mundane to the terrible. My work was demanding, my depression nearly out of control and life was frozen in place, the months marked only by my colleagues from work leaving for other jobs and leaving me behind to be the soul employee working in the field at start of 2014.
Which was to be a memorable year and now that we are standing at its end’s edge, I feel the need to talk about it.
I treat this as… a new beginning. I have read some of my previous posts and I’ve come to the realisation that I have grown up since then. Oh, don’t think I’ve stopped gaming. No, that won’t ever stop. But, something has changed. I would like to say that its innocence, but it’s not quite that. I’ve hardly been ignorant of the world and of its trials. But I’ve become somewhat cynical. It’s always been there – like the mysterious beginning of a weed amidst the cracks of perfect pavement. In the beginning of the year, with my last colleague leaving me to the wrath of my CEO and our failing company, I learned to stop hoping that things will change. I learned to accept the dull and dreary. I pushed on, survived in my unhappiness. It wasn’t life but it was all I had and I felt that being unhappy about it wouldn’t change anything.
I figured that nothing would change – so I didn’t try to do anything.
And I was proven wrong, which for once in my life was a pleasant experience.
You see, 2014 has been a continuous explosion of surprises and miracles. It was tough, yes. But, it taught me to be grateful. For friends, for family and for an Other Half who’s been with me for over half a decade.
The part of me in 2013 that withered in the mundane, flourished under a wave of new experiences. Not all pleasant, I’ll grant you that. But spectacular in the way they changed my life. I realised that these experiences kept me alive, awake. Interested. I am here because I am a writer, because I not only want to experience the physical world but because I am gathering up experiences to translate over to my writing. Any experience was logged in detail into the Stephen King Dreamcatcher like archive in my mind. I grew up, I matured.
And in that, I learned to have childlike joy.
With my track record, I cannot promise to write often or regularly. I am, if nothing else, very busy at the moment. But I plan to write a series of blogs